i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
