whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
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