My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
