I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
