Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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