I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
