Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
