Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
