today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
