he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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