My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
