my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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