I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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