somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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