nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
