Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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