you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
