Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
