You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
