If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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