I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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