Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
being pregnant is like rehab
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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