Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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