Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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