i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize