If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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