So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
