This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
