Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
