If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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