you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
time to smoke my breakfast
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
