I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
