You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
