I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
