I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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