The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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