Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
