i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
