Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
