If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
