I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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