found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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