Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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