Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
