oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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