i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
