quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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