I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
