I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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