I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
