Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
