You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
