He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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