i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
