Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
