my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
