P.S. I can't hear my feet
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
