Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
