I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
