I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
